Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
