They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
