I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
