I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
