Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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