you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
