i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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