If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
