I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
