Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
