oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
