I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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