she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
