I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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