have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
