My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
where are you?
Hypothermia
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
