this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
