He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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