Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
