Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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