Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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