I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You are the jesus of drinking
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
