Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
