im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
