my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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