yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
