wrigley field is MILF paradise
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
