Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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