He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
