she was so not down for the gang bang
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.