Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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