I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
