cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
