Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
this boner is exhausting
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
