Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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