I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
