I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize