Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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