Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
