I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
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I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
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He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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