I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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