areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
