Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
