Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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