we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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