the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My dick has a subreddit
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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