I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
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When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
is that a dick in a sweater?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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