I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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