I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
