At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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