I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
