That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
