Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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