dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
