ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
