just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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