worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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